There and Then

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From July 12-14, 1999, I rode a Greyhound bus home to Salt Lake City from Pelham, Massachusetts, leaving a family vacation early and embarking on a solitary, life-changing experience at age 18. Amy and I had become engaged just three weeks earlier and she paid for my ticket home. After finding and re-reading my journal from my return journey (written in the form of short notes to Amy scribbled in pencil within a plain blue spiral notebook), I found many similarities between my style of writing and that in the letters of Michael Collins and his fiancé in the book I am currently reading: In Great Haste. Here is that journal, presented in all its strange, beautiful, glory, and posted with Amy's consent. It is a unique document of my experience, but also of our relationship, which has been fascinating for us to explore on the eve of our twelfth anniversary. All grammar, spelling, and capitalizations are original, reflecting the honest intensity of the moment (and my status then as a high-school dropout!)

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DEAR Amy
I just got on the bus and I'm so scared. I'm scared more than I ever have been. I Wish you Were here, so bad! I Need you to hold me in times like this. I will never leave you for a long period of time again. What I'm really scared of is New York. I have to switch busses there and I know I'LL get lost. Oh, well Just have to face it now. I love you so much and I'm sorry for leaving you. Right now you would be saying "It's okay." But I really think it was wrong to leave you right after proposing I'm such a terrible person sometimes. I'll have to tell you about my experience in New Jersey Later. It's been a really long week. I'm going to read now, I'll write again later.

I Love You

I Just got on the bus at SpringField.[1] I'm on the right bus for New York, I Hope! 3 hours away. I better get comph comfortable. I fell asleep on the last bus- I hope I don't miss any stops in the future. I'm still scared of New York and I just realised I have an hour to spend there. I can't stop thinking about you and that's a good thing. I miss you so much; even more than I ever did while you were at college. I'll be home in two days to hold you and love you forever.

I LOVE YOU.

I Hope you don't find this journal thing too annoying but it gives me something to do and an insight for you into what I'm feeling I just got into Hartford[2] and just thought I'd write you again in between naps.

I LOVE YOU

We're coming into New York City now. I never got to come with my family. I'm looking at all the housing projects that surround this area and it reminds me of the towers in "Running to Stand Still."[3] I've seen pictures of them and they look a lot alike. We just finished watching a movie called "Washington Square"[4] about a girl who wants to marry a man she hasn't dated for too long and her father gets in the way (a lot like us except for the ending). It kept me awake through to NYC. We're almost at the station now. Ron and Jean[5] packed me a meal so I'll eat it during the hour away from the bus. I have lots to tell you about us when I get back.

I LOVE YOU

Guess What? New York was okay! I got there, asked some questions, then went right to the gate. My only problem was when I thought I was in the wrong line and so I got out of it and had to go to the back. (I was in the right line to begin with!) But I still got a good seat- all by myself for this overnight part of the trip. While I was with my family I read my Oasis book[6] and started Michael Collins.[7] Hopefully It'll be done when I reach home. I'm going to have the same driver on this bus all the way home. I can't wait to hug you and hold you and kiss you and love you.

I LOVE YOU

P.S.- there's a great sunset outside my window right now. Too bad you won't see it for about 3 more hours. I'm thinking about you.

I LOVE YOU

It's about 10:00 here (I'm guessing) and we just stopped at McDonald's so the driver could get some coffee. I don't want to spend lots of money yet so I got a water-in-a-bottle thing. I still have plenty of food from Ron. Probably will sleep until Cleveland.[8]

I LOVE YOU

Just came into Cleveland and I'm on the road again but I think I'm on the wrong bus. Oh well, I'll figure it out in Chicago.

I LOVE YOU

Stopped in SOUTH BEND, INDIANA, but nothing much to see. Now I'm in Chicago and 3 1/2 hours ahead of schedule so I have a long time to wait. The trip home hasn't been that bad but I can't wait to see you. This trip has made me realise how much I love you and how much I need you in my life. I want you to know that I have been faithfull from the night we started dating[9] til now and will be forever.

I LOVE YOU

Right now I'm on the bus to IOWA City, IOWA And we're gonna stop for dinner in 5 minutes. Pretty boring ride right now. Just trying to read my 3rd book "The Giver."[10] 1 more day and I'll see you. Hopefully I can sleep through a lot of it.

I LOVE YOU

You wont believe the variety of people I'm sitting by: a kid from France, 2 girls that each have a screaming baby, a hilarious black family, a teenager with a thick British accent, a kid with the biggest buck teeth  I have ever seen, a teenage hippie girl, a straight-edge boy and a nun. Wow- this is so interesting to just watch them interact. We're heading to Des Moines now and I'm halfway through my Book- it finally grabbed me. It was boring throughout the beginning. I forgot to say that I met this guy in New York who looked like he was going to kick the shit out of me but then he started talking to me about when he was in Utah in 1974 or something like that and we talked for awhile. He was a really great guy. I hope he makes it to Montana okay. I can't wait to see you in your pink tank-top.

I LOVE YOU

We're traveling to Ogalala, NEB.[11] after a long night. I couldn't sleep for some reason and so I just helped take care of one of the screaming babies so it's mom could get some rest. There's something different about that child: too hateful and angry at this early age. Oh well, she's their kid, not mine. I won't be traveling across the country on bus with a very small child. Tonight I see you!

I LOVE YOU

It's about 1:00 and I called you an hour ago. It was good to hear your voice again. There's nothing much to say. I finished my 3rd book so I bought a newspaper in Cheyenne.[12] Still bored to death. I read over your letter again last night. I don't want you to be ashamed of what you believe. I know it's important to you. Anyway, we'll talk later about it. My love for you increases every day, so don't worry about the letter.

I LOVE YOU

Almost 5:00 now and I'm getting excited. 4 hours, 4 hours, 4 hours I don't know if I can make it. Okay, calm down. Nothing much has happened except I got to take care of the baby again. It was much happier this time. 4 hours, 4 hours, 4 hours, In one hour we'll be in Limon[13] or something like that. Talk to you later.

I LOVE YOU

***

[1] Springfield, Massachusetts

[2] Hartford, Connecticut

[3] 'Running to Stand Still' is a song from one of my favorite albums, U2's The Joshua Tree.

[4] 'Washington Square' is a 1997 film adaptation of the Henry James novel.
[5] 'Ron and Jean'- my uncle and his long-time partner who lived together for many years in Pelham, Massachusetts.
[6] 'Oasis book'- may have been 'Take Me There: Oasis- the Story' by Paul Mathur which I owned at some point during this time. May also have been 'Getting High: The Adventures of Oasis' by Poalo Hewitt which I think I remember checking out from the library.

[7] Unfortunately, I have no recollection of which Collins book this was. Could have been Michael Collins: The Man Who Made Ireland by Tim Pat Coogan which I had acquired sometime earlier in Amy's and my relationship.

[8] Interesting to later realize that, at this point in the journey on Interstate 80, I passed within 2 miles of Clarion, Pennsylvania- home of Clarion University where I was to earn my Master's degree 10 years later.

[9] Friday, June 19, 1998: A night to remember!

[10] 'The Giver' by Lois Lowry is a Newbery Medal-winning children's book given to me by my mother for the trip.

[11] Ogallala, Nebraska

[12] Cheyenne, Wyoming

[13] Lyman, Wyoming